Relationship Hacks
Relationship Hacks is a sermon series and small group study designed to help build communication & intimacy in our relationships and to set future relationships up to start marriage on the right foot. Throughout this series Ps. Rob shares some simply hacks we can all apply to our lives that will help our marriage or future marriage.
Each small group study is designed for both marrieds and single people. As a small group leader, depending on the demographic of people in your small group will determine which questions you ask the group you are leading.
Relationship Hacks
Week 1
Good communication … 5 for 5
Marrieds & Singles
Marriage is hard and relationships are hard. They are hard because communication is difficult and it is something we need to be deliberate about. We all tend to assume the other person knows what we are thinking or feeling. What needs to be done next. How we expect or want something to be done. Relationships break down and end in divorce not because someone cheated, or did wrong, but because there was a lack of communication. Sure, there may have been an act (or acts) that led to the destruction of the relationship, but 9 out of 10 times those acts took place because honest communication simply didn’t exist, or at least stopped happening.
In the sermon for this week Ps. Rob said there are 3 different types of marriages. Back-to-back, shoulder-to-shoulder, and face-to-face.
Back-to-back relationships are where you are both enemies, and/or where you at least have grown so apart you do not like each other. Shoulder-to-Shoulder relationships is where you are busy just doing life together. Working, paying down debt, raising kids, etc. You like and love each other. But your marriage focuses on doing life together. Face-to-face relationships are where your main goal and focus is intimacy. Your focus is on spending life building a friendship with your spouse.
Every relationship (at least at the start) has a desire to have a face-to-face relationship. However, without developing good communication skills, face to face relationships will never develop.
James 1:19-20 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
James puts it this way. Effective communication begins with listening. And in specific being quick to listen. Which means, being quick to understand what they are saying and why they are saying it. So, James begins with being quick to understand and continues with saying we need to be slow to speak. Slow to speak doesn’t mean we don’t say anything at all. Rather it means we are slow in expressing our feelings surrounding what they are saying. Meaning, we don’t just say; “Well that makes me feel.” Listen to understand what they are saying first.
The Hack Ps. Rob gave us on Sunday to help with our communication was 5 for 5. When you get home (or they get home) stand 5 feet away from your spouse for 5 minutes and just ask them about their day.
It won't change everything, but it will help build a habit of effective communication.
Discussion
What stood out to you in Ps. Robs message on Sunday?
In thinking about the three types of marriages (Back-to-Back, Shoulder-to-Shoulder, face-to-face), how easy do you think it is to fall into a shoulder-to-shoulder relationship? And what steps could to take to keep a face-to-face relationship?
Does good communication that is transparent and vulnerable come easy to you? Why or why not? If not, what could you do to begin to change that?
Ps. Rob suggested intimacy means into-me-see. Suggesting that true intimacy is focused on vulnerability of feelings, fears, emotions, wants, etc. The world generally sees intimacy as sexual in focus. How do you see this as skewing how we date and build relationships with potential partners knowing that intimacy is fundamental for a healthy marriage?
Good communication starts with good listening. How good are you as a listener?
Keeping in mind that good communication is an equal mix of listening to what they say and being vulnerable with what you say. If you are married ask your spouse on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being excellent), how good do they believe you are at communicating with them? Don’t get upset with a poor answer, ask what you can do to improve your communication.
Keeping in mind that good communication is an equal mix of listening to what they say and being vulnerable with what you say. If you are single or dating, ask someone close to you on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being excellent) how effective they perceive you to be at communicating, and how you could grow in your communication?
The Hack
Ps. Rob gave us on Sunday to help with our communication was 5 for 5. When you get home (or they get home) stand 5 feet away from your spouse for 5 minutes and just ask them about their day.
It won't change everything overnight, but it will help build a habit of effective communication.
Prayer Focus
Spend time praying for one another. For each other's skills in communication to grow.
Week 2
Just Do It.
Married & Singles
Most statistics suggest the divorce rate is around 50%. Way too high!
While prenuptials exist, people do not get married planning to divorce. Plenty of couples concede that divorce is likely at some point. But regardless, no one stands at the alter considering divorce. They stand at the altar wanting and wishing for happily ever after. Divorce, separation, and unhappy relationships do not happen from a lack of good intentions. They happen from a lack of good actions.
All of us have good intentions (yes even us guys). Our good intentions were on full display in action while we were dating. If we thought of something good to say, we would say it. If we thought of something good to do that they would love and feel loved by, we would do it. And on top of that, we were deliberate at being good. We put our best foot forward. We had manners, were courteous, kind. Unfortunately for so many marriages and relationships, good actions after a while dwindle down to mere good intentions. Relationships are not falling apart from a lack of good intentions; they are falling apart from a lack of good actions.
In his sermon the relationship hack put forward by Ps Rob, was the slogan made famous by Nike; “Just do it.” When you think of something good to say, just say it. When you think of something special to do, just do it. When you want something different, just be it.
Just Do It!
Discussion
What stood out to you in Ps. Robs message on Sunday?
Ps Rob shared in the message, that we all at times make a fool of ourselves for love when we are dating. How did you make a splendid fool of yourself when you were dating?
Read Genesis 2:24. This verse is talking about marriage. Not the season of dating. The Hebrew word for “united” means; to catch by pursuit, to pursue hard with affection and devotion. Why do you think we pursue hard with affection and devotion while dating, but allow that pursuit to wane once married?
In what ways could you be deliberate at reinstating that pursuit in your marriage?
Have you ever dated someone who felt like they took you for granted? Without using names, tell us about that season.
For Marrieds. 2 Corinthians 10:5b says to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. Why is this so important to put into practice in marriage?
For singles. 2 Corinthians 10:5b says to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. Why is this so important to put into practice in relationships with people?
James 4:17 says; If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and does not do it, it is sin for them. How does this challenge us in our marriages/relationships? What practical ways can we be putting this into practice in our lives?
Have you considered what the person you are looking for is looking for in a person? Meaning, you might be so fixated on what they need to be, you forget to work on what you need to be for that person. Are you being deliberate at allowing God to transform you into the person you need to be, to insure you are the person the person you are looking for is looking for?
It is easy to focus on what they (our spouse) are not doing. While we cannot change them, we can allow God to change us. Is there anything you need to allow God to change in you for the benefit of your marriage? If unsure, ask your spouse.
The Hack
Just Do It.
When you think of something good... Just say it.
When you think of something special.... Just do it.
When you want something different.... Just be it.
Whatever it is, Just Do It!
Prayer Focus
We all struggle with turning our intentions into actions. Spend time praying over one another that the Holy Spirit prompts them to step forward from intentions to actions.
Week 3
Married & Singles
The divorce rate in couples who pray together out loud is 1 in 1,000.
If you knew there was a simple 5-min habit that has been shown to increase the chance of your marriage (or soon to be marriage) succeeding to 99%, would you, do it? If there was a simple 5-min habit that would super-charge the intimacy level in relationship, would you, do it? A 1997 poll Gallup[1] revealed that the divorced rate of couples who pray together regularly is 1 in 1,152. Prayer reduces the divorce rate to less than 1%.
Genesis 2:24 NIV says, … and they will become one flesh.
One flesh meaning, one entity, one person, one heart, one mind, one spirit, etc. with to distinct parts (male & female). As people we are an emotional being. A physical being, and a spiritual being. For the most part I think we get the “One Flesh” physically and emotionally part, but we completely leave out the “One Flesh” spiritually part. When it comes to marriage, unless we are engaging in a spiritual journey with Jesus together, we are leaving out a fundamental oneness in our marriage. Hence why the divorce rate in couple who pray together out loud is 1 in 1,000. Prayer creates oneness.
But alongside of oneness, prayer in marriage has some other incredible benefits. Prayer humbles each of you, it helps you deal with conflict. Prayer opens the door to communication; it softens your heart. Prayer = great sex (don’t believe me… try it. Who created sex in the first place? God). And prayer reorients our focus on our future together.
Tim Keller puts it like this: “Prayer is both a conversation and an encounter with God.” I love that. One encounter with God can change everything. One encounter with God has the potential to re-direct the current trajectory your relationship is on.
The hack is simple… Pray together out loud consistently.
Discussion
What stood out to you in Ps. Robs message on Sunday?
Have you ever considered how we as people are an emotional being, a physical being and a spiritual being?
Sex engages us hormonally, neurologically, and psychologically. In other words, sex creates a bonding (spiritually, emotionally, and physically). If we engage in multiple sexual relationships, what affects could that have on our future marriage?
What scars can a history of multiple sex partners, bring into a future relationship?
Read Ecclesiastes 4:12. What does this verse reveal about marriage, and having a marriage with God in the middle?
In his sermon Ps. Rob shared 6 benefits of prayer in marriage. Prayer: humbles, helps with conflict, opens communication, softens hearts, cultivates great sex, focuses on a future together. Considering this list, what are some practical examples of how praying together could build oneness in your relationship?
How often do you pray together as a couple?
What benefits do you see prayer bringing into your marriage today? E.g., intimacy, help with conflict, better sex, etc..
What can you do today to make space to put into practice praying together in your marriage?
If you are single, what do you need to do to make space to insure praying together is a central part of your dating relationship?
The Hack
Pray together.
Prayer Focus
Plenty of us struggle with this. And honestly, the enemy does his all to keep couples from praying together. Pray for boldness for all couples to be able to pray together consistently.
For those who have had multiple sex partners. Pray over them for a releasing of the emotional and spiritual bonding (soul ties) that sex creates.
[1] 1 https://www.guidelines.org/devotional/the-one-thing-thats-proven-to-make-your-marriage-a-success/